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BDSM WEEK – GUEST POST: Lisa Henry

We asked some authors who write BDSM about BDSM.  Here’s what Lisa Henry had to say:

 

The Moment of Trust

If you believe everything you read, every Dom is an incredibly attractive millionaire who spends his time hanging around in an exclusive club looking for the right dewy-eyed sub to collar.

But kink isn’t a luxury that only the very rich can afford. And it’s certainly not a prerequisite of being wealthy.

“Ah, Mr. Fabian Sex-On-Legs, it has come to the attention of our mysterious organisation that you are now a certified billionaire. A carpenter will be along during the week to turn your basement into a sex dungeon. In the meantime, here is the key to our exclusive BDSM club, a list of naïve and inexplicably virginal subs, and a complimentary pair of nipple clamps.”

And I get the fantasy, I really do. Who wouldn’t want a handsome billionaire to give us everything we could ever want, and even some things we didn’t know we wanted…like mind-blowing kinky sex in a mansion in the Bahamas, perhaps?

But all of that stuff, to me, is window dressing. BDSM is not about wealth, or about attractiveness, or even about orgasms. It’s also not about humiliation, or pain, or ritual, or about hooking up in the back room of a seedy leather club. It can be all those things, if you want, but BDSM is really such a vast umbrella that it covers pretty much every spectrum of human sexuality. Hot and fast and dirty and painful? Yes, please. But, also, slow and sweet and intense? I’ll take one of those also.

So what do I like most about BDSM?

It’s not just the spankings, although spankings are hot. Well, first they’re weird and then they’re awkward, and finally they’re hot. It’s not just the bondage, although I do like to see a pretty twink in cuffs. On his knees. Who doesn’t, am I right? And it’s not just the toys, although have you been in a sex shop lately? They’ve got everything you could possibly imagine and much more besides.

What I love about BDSM, in all its forms, is the trust inherent in the power exchange between a Dom and a sub. There’s a paragraph that J.A. Rock and I wrote in The Good Boy, where Derek looks at Lane and reads exactly what he’s thinking:

Lane’s place was a shithole—a tiny room on the second floor of a rundown motel. It was the sort of place that usually rented rooms by the hour. The single narrow window overlooked the fire escape. The floor was stained, the walls were thin, and the door had been busted in one time and no longer fit flush with the frame.

It was awful. Lane knew it. The look he’d given Derek when Derek had first seen the place was exactly the same look Derek had seen before on nervous subs who peeled their clothes off in front of him: Please don’t laugh. Please don’t judge me.

Please don’t reject me.

And that’s the part I love. The part where the sub gives himself over to the Dom. The part where he’s scared, and ashamed, and how horrible will this be if the guy laughs? It’s almost a complete rejection of the ego, to strip down naked for someone, not just physically but emotionally as well — this is who I am, this is what I need — and wait for either approval or rejection. That teetering-on-the-edge moment, when time stands still.

That point where a Dom asks for trust, and when a sub decides to give it. Everything that follows is just an extension of that one wonderful moment.

Which is why, generally, I like to write about less experienced guys. I like to explore that moment when they first open up. I like to write about them gaining confidence in their own desires. Which is not to say that these issues aren’t present in any vanilla relationship, but I think that kink magnifies it.

I’ve seen it written before that submission if a gift. I don’t know if I agree with that entirely. Is submission any more of a gift than domination? Both are equally valid, I think, and equally necessary. And while it’s hard for a person in a new relationship to admit they want to be dominated, I think it’s just as scary a moment for a person who admits they want their partner to submit.

Because it’s kink, and because we’re told it’s not normal. And maybe that’s where the billionaires come into play again: we view kink safely through the prism of fantasy. But kink isn’t fantasy, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Normal people with normal jobs and normal lives are just as likely to be into the lifestyle as anyone else. Because kink is normal too.

 

kinkWe are all conditioned from an early age to see kink as something funny, or something weird, or even something creepy and unhealthy. And I can admit, when I was a teenager and saw a picture of a bunch of leather men at a pride parade (see example (courtesy of Creative Commons), I didn’t get it at all. Just didn’t get it. They looked kind of…ridiculous. It was the caps, all right? I didn’t like the caps. I could handle the boots and the leather harnesses, but I just didn’t like the caps. Also, it may have been the moustaches that were so in fashion at the time.

But guess what? My opinion doesn’t count. As I got older and learned to embrace my own inner kinks, it turned out that I was a lot more tolerant of everyone else’s, and that’s no bad thing.

One of the first BDSM books I read was J.P. Barnaby’s The Forbidden Room. And I loved it. I loved it because Jayden was new and scared and afraid: afraid of what he’d agreed to, and afraid of where it was taking him. And I loved it because Ethan isn’t a perfect Dom. He makes some huge mistakes. In fact, there’s a lot to not like about Ethan. But to me, this made him a lot more interesting than some of those Doms who seem to instinctively know so much about their new subs that they’re either psychic, or working for the NSA. The Forbidden Room is fairly hardcore in places, and there are also some m/f scenes, so while it was definitely the book for me, it might not be the book for you.

One I read recently was His Roommate’s Pleasure by Lana McGregor. This is a hot little read, and one that is surprisingly tender. Both boys are new to BDSM, but they know what they like (thanks internet!) and they aren’t afraid to try it.

When reading (and writing) BDSM, it’s important to remember this acronym: YKINMK. Your kink is not my kink. And that’s okay. It’d be a boring world if we all liked the same things, whether that’s books, movies, or sexual practices. So whether you like your kink with fluffy handcuffs and feathers, or whether you like it with ball gags, spreader bars, and a shitload of latex, that’s your choice. We all have different limits. But to me, the central aspect of BDSM doesn’t change: it’s about trust. It’s about trusting someone else enough to tell them what you want. More importantly, it’s about trusting yourself enough to ask for it.

That’s what I try to explore when I write BDSM relationships. But if anyone knows of a mysterious sex club where all the members are handsome billionaires, please forward my details to them. Thanks.

I’ll send you a postcard from the Bahamas.

About the Author:

Lisa likes to tell stories, mostly with hot guys and happily ever afters.

Lisa lives in tropical North Queensland, Australia. She doesn’t know why, because she hates the heat, but she suspects she’s too lazy to move. She spends half her time slaving away as a government minion, and the other half plotting her escape.

She attended university at sixteen, not because she was a child prodigy or anything, but because of a mix-up between international school systems early in life. She studied History and English, neither of them very thoroughly.

She shares her house with too many cats, a dog, a green tree frog that swims in the toilet, and as many possums as can break in every night. This is not how she imagined life as a grown-up.

18715391The Boy Who Belonged, a sequel to The Good Boy, is coming from Loose Id on December 17.

You can email Lisa at lisahenryonline@gmail.com

Or check out her website at lisahenryonline.com

18 comments on “BDSM WEEK – GUEST POST: Lisa Henry

  1. s0ph1ar0s3s
    November 20, 2013

    Thanks for sharing your take, Lisa! I tend to role my eyes about the billionaire books, but you made me stop and think with that point about their very distance from the rest of us being part of the fantasy. Look forward to Boy Who Belonged.

    Like

    • Lisa Henry
      November 20, 2013

      Thanks, Soph! I’m a bit tired of the billionaire thing myself, but I do see the point of it. Hmm…maybe I should write a book about a billionaire Dom who spends so much time engrossed in his work (because I think you’d have to work pretty hard to have that sort of cash) that he totally screws things up with his sub. Look out! Plot bunny attack!

      Like

  2. syleegurl
    November 20, 2013

    This post really made me think. I’m not a BDSM reader. I kinda consider myself “anti-kink”. But, I really, really like the part about trust that you put out there. What might be in the sub’s mind when he submits. Very thought-provoking. Thanks so much for sharing, Lisa. (and yeah, those hats…just…no…)

    Like

  3. shelley
    November 20, 2013

    Wow Lisa! This post is just awesome, thank you!
    One of the things I really appreciated about The Good Boy was that Derek was not a rich guy who sweats an all consuming aphrodisiac – that was so refreshing!
    The Forbidden Room was also one of my first BDSM books and it’s still a favorite, despite the fact that I nearly died of heartbreak reading the second book! Jeez JP knows just where to stick a knife huh?
    And lastly; those hats I can live with …it’s the leather cod piece I have an issue with. Yikes! Totally NMK. :/

    Like

    • Kristie
      November 20, 2013

      Shelley, I’ll never be able to thank you for recommending The Forbidden Room to me. Still one of my all time favorite books.

      Like

  4. Debra E
    November 20, 2013

    Great post! I read all sorts of BDSM and most of my favorites are also ones where a more experienced partner is with someone new to the lifestyle usually coming out of a bad place and you hit the nail on the head with why. Thanks for the thoughtful post.

    Like

  5. Allison
    November 20, 2013

    What a great post! I started reading BDSM against my will, mainly because it seemed to come roaring out of nowhere because of the trilogy (?) that doesn’t need to be named. I thought that it wouldn’t interest me at all and that is was just, well, weird. My first BDSM book was AJ Rose’s Power Exchange and I loved it so much that I started looking for more. But the best part about reading the books is that I have come to realize that it isn’t weird, it’s just another aspect of life.

    Like

  6. Rachel G
    November 20, 2013

    Love this post Lisa! I am very hit and miss with BDSM, I try to steer away from the BDSM books where the kink encompasses the whole of the relationship and feeds into the usual D/s archetypes, but am finding the books that feature BDSM as an extended aspect of the relationship appeal to me greatly. I also quite enjoyed His Roommate’s Pleasure and I like The Administration series for the same reason. There is a lot of trust going on in the relationships and the MC’s are on equal footing outside of the bedroom as well as inside, despite their D/s roles.

    Like

    • loederkoninginkatinka
      November 20, 2013

      You can probably guess which book I’m reading next, Rachel? :p

      Like

  7. Sheri
    November 20, 2013

    the trust….that’s exactly it.
    I didn’t ‘get’ that before my first BDSM book. I get it now.
    Thanks for the fabulous post!!

    Like

  8. Kristie
    November 20, 2013

    This is fantastic! I think I just fell a little in love with Lisa. The trust is everything, and Lisa has stated that so well and with great examples! Thank you for this. Anyone who has questions about what BDSM is should check this out.

    Like

  9. The Risqué Redhead Reads
    November 20, 2013

    Absolutely in love with this post. This is why I love to read BDSM books. It is the relationship and the trust between a Dom and a Sub that sucks me in and yes can make me swoon! Even in the heaviest books I have read, it’s that connection that makes the story work. Again, brilliant post!

    Like

  10. loederkoninginkatinka
    November 20, 2013

    That teetering-on-the-edge moment you describe never fails to make me hold my breath. Sigh, such a great post. It’s too short!!

    Like

  11. Lisa Arbitrary
    November 20, 2013

    I think my kink is reading bdsm. I love the good stuff. It’s got to be reasonable and have reason and trust…oh yes the trust. I think I’ve learned more from reading bdsm than (shhhh) nearly 30 years of marriage! Love the post Lisa :D

    Like

  12. Vivian A
    November 20, 2013

    The moment of capitulation when one goes all in is powerful to watch. Really enjoyed the article and how you discussed that it is personal and wildly varied in expression. I think that as we become more accepting of ourselves we become more accepting of others.

    PS. I have to admit to preternaturally being turned off by any book with billionaire in the title.

    Like

  13. Lisa Henry
    November 20, 2013

    Thanks so much for your replies, everyone! I had great fun writing this post, and I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who can’t understand where all these billionaire Doms are hiding!

    @ Shelley, Oh yeah JP knows where to stick that knife. Repeatedly. And then twist it around in there!

    Like

  14. Pingback: BDSM WEEK – REVIEW: “The Good Boy” by Lisa Henry & JA Rock | "boys in our books"

  15. Pingback: The UK’s Secretive S&M scene | Missy Jubilee's sex blog

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